Our Journey Through Infertility

by Crystal Paine

After reading Mrs. Pinnington's article on their journey in trusting God through infertility, I wanted to share an entry from my journal of 2 years ago.

Many of you know that about 2 1/2 years ago, we moved away from our family, friends, church, and financial security for Jesse to go to law school in a town where we knew no one, had no church, and had no idea where the resources to survive for the three years of law school were going to come from. It was also around this time that we were told by doctors that they could not give us hope or help with our infertility struggles unless we were to take some very drastic, costly measures. We did not feel a peace about doing that, nor did we have the funds, if we had felt at peace.

This was a very, very difficult time in my life, to say the least. It was during this time that I wrote the following journal entry: I am struggling today... Everything just seems dreary right now. I have prayed so hard for friendship and fellowship with other believers here and it just seems as if God is silent. I have prayed so hard for children, that we may raise them in the way sof the Lord, and it seems, once again, God is silent.

I know my most important work here and now is to honor my husband and make him successful, but I am really struggling with feeling fulfilled. Life is so quiet and yet such hard work. I try so hard to rejoice... but so often I am on the verge of tears.

Sometimes when I am driving in the car, I look at other drivers and wonder, "Are they lonely?" I so wish there were people we could get together with and have in our home.

But, will people satisfy this need? Will people make me fulfilled? Will children, will pregnancy, will friends?

I know in my heart that it must be Jesus alone. I must look to the Lord. I must find my strength in Him.

He is testing me to see if He alone is enough. I fear I am failing the test.

I was thinking this morning what it would be like to be Corrie ten Boom or Darlene Deibler when they were in solitary confinement and also enduring torture, distress, and hunger.

"Lord, I believe, help Thou mine unbelief." I look back on this time of intense struggle and see how God used it in great and mighty ways. I needed to learn to find my fulfillment only in Christ -- not friends, not children, not money, not even my husband. God had to strip most everything else away from me so that I could learn to be content in all things.

Little did I ever dream of the blessings and wonderful opportunities and friendships God had in store for us that would have never been possible had we not moved away from everything we had known all our lives. But, I first had to leanrn to be content with where He had me. I have by no means mastered this, but I can say wholeheartedly today that I am truly happy, joyful, and fulfilled in the life that God has given me to live.

I don't usually share such personal things, but the Lord prompted me to so today and I pray that it might have somehow been an encouragement to someone somewhere who is struggling.

Crystal Paine is a 24-year-old homeschool graduate from Topeka, Kansas. She is the blessed wife of Jesse and joyful mother of Kathrynne. Visit her site, Biblical Womanhood, for books, articles, encouragement, and inspiration!

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