For the three of you who still might think I'm more "put together" than I really am
A few moments ago, there was a knock at my door. I looked through the peephole to discover it was a dear friend whom I hadn't seen in awhile. I thought for a moment about pretending I wasn't home because I still had my pajamas on (and of course, hadn't taken a shower yet - Did I mention it was past 1 p.m.?), my hair wasn't fixed, no make-up, no contacts. Add to that my living room being a total disaster with boxes and a still unpacked suitcase from our weekend trip lying opened in the middle of the floor (yeah, I know, it's Thursday and that was last weekend), two-day-old dirty dishes piled high in my sink, my dining room table was covered with garage sale stuff which hadn't yet made it into the garage sale box, and my daughter was sitting in her chair covered with green frosting (Hey, I thought before throwing out the tubes I'd give them to her to play with for awhile! Probably no the most brilliant idea, but she had a blast.).
Instead of pretending we weren't home, I smiled and opened the door. I didn't even apologize for my home (though I did apologize for the pajamas!). I guess I'm finally starting to realize I don't have to be perfect or even close to it to show love and be a true friend. And do you know how freeing that is? It's amazing how being a mom changes you. Three years ago, I would have probably only opened the door at gun point with myself and house being so less-than-presentable. I even remember wondering why so many moms I knew couldn't keep their houses cleaner... And then I became a mom.
Speaking of the lessons learned as a new mom, my friend Becky just asked a great question and I thought I'd post it here (hope you don't mind, Becky) since I'd love to hear from moms on this, too:
At three months, Kathrynne was still struggling with sleeping - both at night and during the day. Which in turn meant I was not sleeping much at all either. I didn't realize how much a lack of sleep can effect your ability to function efficiently until those first three months. It was a struggle for me to have to slow way down, lower my expectations, and learn to be flexible. I can't say I'm by any means all the way there yet, but God has given me grace to learn and grow some in these areas.
My novice advice would be to keep it very simple. Don't overdo and focus on meeting your baby's needs, basic household needs, and try to get as much sleep as you can. I'd cut everything else you can cut for right now. As time goes on, you'll be able to add more into your life, but stick to the basics right now, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed. I finally figured out it was better to stop putting pressure on myself and instead just be grateful for little accomplishments - like getting a shower taken before dinner. Above all, just enjoy being a new mom and enjoy your daughter.
Instead of pretending we weren't home, I smiled and opened the door. I didn't even apologize for my home (though I did apologize for the pajamas!). I guess I'm finally starting to realize I don't have to be perfect or even close to it to show love and be a true friend. And do you know how freeing that is? It's amazing how being a mom changes you. Three years ago, I would have probably only opened the door at gun point with myself and house being so less-than-presentable. I even remember wondering why so many moms I knew couldn't keep their houses cleaner... And then I became a mom.
Speaking of the lessons learned as a new mom, my friend Becky just asked a great question and I thought I'd post it here (hope you don't mind, Becky) since I'd love to hear from moms on this, too:
Calling all parents...what is a "normal" level of accomplishment for a mom of a three-month-old baby? What were you able to get done when you had one infant - regarding housework, baby care, church stuff, volunteering, home business, cooking, being a helpful wife...? What should I expect to be able to do in a day?My answer: I think (though I can only guess this in theory since I've not experienced it yet) that adjusting to your first is probably one of the biggest adjustments for most moms. You go from pretty much being able to make all your own plans, to being constantly needed by a precious little infant who knows nothing about your plans. I quickly learned that "my plans" were a thing of the past. Not that I couldn't ever plan anything, but that I could always plan on anything I planned not going exactly as planned. In other words, I quickly learned that, as a mom, you either become very flexible and learn to smile and roll with the punches, or you are probably going to live a life of stress and frustration.
At three months, Kathrynne was still struggling with sleeping - both at night and during the day. Which in turn meant I was not sleeping much at all either. I didn't realize how much a lack of sleep can effect your ability to function efficiently until those first three months. It was a struggle for me to have to slow way down, lower my expectations, and learn to be flexible. I can't say I'm by any means all the way there yet, but God has given me grace to learn and grow some in these areas.
My novice advice would be to keep it very simple. Don't overdo and focus on meeting your baby's needs, basic household needs, and try to get as much sleep as you can. I'd cut everything else you can cut for right now. As time goes on, you'll be able to add more into your life, but stick to the basics right now, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed. I finally figured out it was better to stop putting pressure on myself and instead just be grateful for little accomplishments - like getting a shower taken before dinner. Above all, just enjoy being a new mom and enjoy your daughter.
posted by Crystal Paine at 1:39 PM
29 Comments:
This is a terrific question (and a fun story)! I am so glad you posted it. I now have another one- what were some of the parenting/child training books you read and found useful? There are so many and I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I am not sure where to begin with how to care for my son, due in May. Thanks!
Thank you for sharing that story. I still think you're perfect though, lol :)
I spent the day with my SIL who is a mom to three children, all 5 and under. Today was the first time I walked into her house and saw toys and such all over the floor. She confessed today that her house looks like that 90% of the time, and it's only clean when she knows someone is coming over. I always wondered how she kept everything so neat with three kids! You're definately not alone!
I think the most important thing you can do when your child is that young is to be sure to meet their needs. After all, God promises he will meet our basic needs so why should it be any different in our relationship with our children? The next most important thing is to meet your husband's needs (emotional/physical/etc) as much as you can. The third is yourself. If you keep things in perspective like that it helps. Not that you ignore your needs, but more your wants. You are not going to care 30 years from now if your house was messy when you children were young, but you will care if you missed out on time and oppertunities with them.
As for books, there are a ton. One I really liked was "The Baby Book" by Dr. Sears. He's a Christian pediatrician who really helps you figure out how to trust your own instincts. But the most important thing to remember is that no book is 100% correct. You have to trust your instincts (which God guides) to do what is best for your child. What is good for one child may be horrible for another etc, as they are all different. A lot of prayer and trusting in yourself goes a long ways. I was always told that if it feels wrong, it is. It also helps to search the Bible for the relationship our God has with us (as a parental type figure) and to model your parenting after that.
I'm glad you posted my question! I look forward to hearing from other moms.
Today made me SO glad I am with Katherine full time - I got to see her roll over for the first time!
As a work out of the home mom I have a totally different perspective than some of you do. My hubby stayed at home for the first year and a half of our sons life and now he's going to school. Since it's not in men's genetics they have an even harder time adjusting to being at home with a baby so I had to do a lot of the home stuff, be a new mom, work a 12 hour day/night (depending on the week), and figure out how to get my husband in there too. One thing that helped me immensely was www.flylady.net. Baby steps through routines is the only way I could and still can cope with my day to day life. I'm very blessed with a supportive husband and a happy, healthy two year old. I hope that you all have the same!
Tracy
I agree with the second comment from Bea - that adding a second child to the mix brings its own unique adjustments! As the saying goes, "One is one, two is ten!" Plus, you have to figure out how to divide yourself among two children and their very different needs. Then comes number three, when you throw in the towel and consider it a great day if everyone gets fed!
I'm really curious to see how having two is for me. I know it will be different and more work, but also more joy (I'm sure!). I'm hoping that maybe some of the things I learned the first time around will be helpful (like not planning anything for the first very long while or expecting I'll be all recovered in two weeks!), but I know that each child is completely different. One thing I do know, I feel like I have it pretty easy with one child right now and I know that I'm going to have to be a lot less selfish when #2 comes along. Every time she goes down for a nap (like right now) I try and remind myself to cherish this time because two children don't nap at the same time usually, um, probably ever, right? I do know that throwing out some of my perfectionism and all-put-togetherness with the first will have to help me at least a little the second time around, hopefully, right? I honestly have no idea, though, so you all are free to laugh at my naiveness. :)
Hmm...3 month old first baby... well, since you are awake and forming coherent thoughts, you are accomplished!
Actually going from 2 babies to 3 babies was a huge transition - suddenly they outnumbered us, and I had more kids than hands! (I had my first 3 in under 4 years, so they were all in diapers too).
Good parenting books:
To Train Up a Child, by Michael Pearl. He's a little authoritarian for us, but I love how he talks of "tying heart strings" and emphasizes the parent child relationship - parents aren't just mean, spanking policemen.
Dr. Sears books are good - they have 10 kids.
I like Dr. Ray Guarendi, a Catholic psychologist and father of 10. His book is "You are A Better Parent Than You Think". Great for when your kids are preschool/school age.
The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson - and for the really, really extreme, The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.
Maria Montessori's The Secret of Childhood and The Absorbent Mind were good for general parental philosophy and child development.
I found the "Positive Discipline" books pretty useless. They seem written almost for daycare providers, anyway.
I actually feel MORE on top of things right now than I did with 3 babies. The kids are 8, 7, 5, 4,2,1... and the older three can *sort* of make their own lunch, and help out (although some days it's harder to supervise the chores than do it myself).
Yeah I am laughing alright Crystal. ha! Let me just put this blunt: The people on here who posted it is harder with two....they are so RIGHT. Even with help from Lauren - who is 18 - life is crazy. Don't expect to do much of anything like knitting, sewing, crafting, baking, shopping, going to the bathroom, showering, shaving your legs, "doing" your hair or anything else in a normal, peaceful mode for about 7 or 8 years. Seriously.
My experience in being a mom all over again with these two 30 months apart tells me that life for yourself comes to a screeching halt and you had better get over it fast.
For you younger moms out there I would suggest NOT surfing through the "time management" books or binders unless you have a thick skin and don't have a habit of comparing yourself to others. I may sound a bit negative here, but who in REAL life has a schedule that they can stick too with little kids unless they are ignoring them most of the time? I have asked MANY of my older women friends who have over 5 or 6 kids, some have 12, and they DO NOT have a schedule so to speak. They even say "STAY AWAY" from the scheduling captivity when you have little ones. Everyone of them said the same thing did happen to them: Frustration, a feeling of dispair, and feeling worthless because they couldn't "keep up". These are mature, Godly women too.
You know, if we would just support and pray for each other MORE, and quit trying to live up to this "Biblical Womanhood" ideal, and just live the way God wants us too - day to day and focus on a few things like food, clothing, and maybe cleaning the toilet once in a while we would be much better off as Godly women.
Sometimes I think we focus too much time on trying to "be" Godly women than actually living that way. I mean really, when your life is upside down, baby screaming, 3 year old running around hammering the walls and you are still in your pajamas, the phone is ringing and the sink is running over because you forgot about it - how many of us would greet the neighbor at the door who needed some help with a real smile and heart to help them?
That is real life with little children - that is why it is hard - to put our knowledge and talk to the test....you know - rubber meeting the road.
Please don't think I am trying to be mean or flip, because I am not. I am speaking from the heart and from the veiw point of being a mother of older adult children and then being the mother of a 3 year old and 9 month old. Whew.
Oh and the "joy" part of being a parent - YES there is JOY!!!!! and love and just bursting at the seams when you look into their big eyes and getting a chubby, drooly big kiss. But ya know what...some days you are ready to give them away (almost) but I find when that happens I have been focusing on "me" things and trying to get "things done around here" type of activities. These are my worst days. And then when the quiet does perhaps decend on our household (maybe 3 minutes worth), I am usually convicted of getting mad, bad attitude, poor me syndrome, etc...because I was trying to keep up with someone else's idea of what a Biblical woman is or should be. Personally, I think a Biblical woman is one that can keep her head up when her hair is messy and let the light of Christ still shine through to others. I think she is also the woman who can say "NO" to all the good causes that others think she should be involved with. I think she is the woman who knows herself well enough to maybe not buy so many "how too" books and trust herself and her instincts on how to manage her family. She is also the woman who will step up to the plate and take whatever comes and take the Godly path on working the issue. She is tough and she is not a quitter. She has faith and lets others know when she needs some help. When she doesn't know what to do, she does the next thing. This is a Godly woman. She may wear jeans and maybe even wear cowboy boots, but she is a Godly woman.
Hi Crystal,
I'm falling off my chair laughing at the hilarity of you looking out the peephole with the big mess behind you. LOL
Seriously though, your kids will only remember that you spent time with them training them up. Not that your house is messy or that you are in pj's. I cannot speak from the perspective of a parent yet, but I can as a daughter. I will never forget how much attention my mom gave to us kids, and I'm SURE the house was a disaster most days!
Trixie
With a new baby in the house, if you can get the dishes and laundry done and have a few moments doing devotions and still have good personal hygiene, you're doing okay!
The rest of the stuff can be put on hold, except the baby!
I've also found that asking my husband for his advice w/organization and time management helps a lot.
I found that the third kid did me in, two wasn't so bad. When the third came the oldest wasn't taking naps anymore and I don't know I only have two hands not three. Now that I expecting blessing number four and the oldest isn't quite 6 yet the house is in shambles, there's two that don't nap anymore and I'm down right exhausted. I consider this time in my life survival mode. My hubby says the world doesn't stop when I'm pregnant but it sure would be nice if it did from time to time. I try to remind myself that someday the house will be clean again, and maybe stay clean for more than three seconds. This time in our life will be over before we know it.
Esther
One more thing... Each child is different! So all the stuff you think you "figured out" with the first one? Well, often times it won't work with the second. So you figure out a new method. Then along comes the third with whom neither of those methods work, and then... well, you get the picture! Each child has a different personality, temperament, motivation, etc. It's a learning experience every day! But the very best kind...
I agree w/a lot of the comments here. Mainly, I think that if you can get in a shower & be pleasant to your husband on a fairly regular basis you are doing just great. Volunteering? No. I don't think that is managable right now. (At least it wasn't for me at that point.)
I think that when my baby was about 3-4 mos. I started making regular dinners again. Until then, it was soup, frozen pizza & take out. I really do think though that when a baby turns about 4 mos, you start to get the hang of it a lot better. You can make dinner and get the grocery shopping done, etc.
But, in terms of "extra" things like crafts, home businesses...I still find it hard to make time for stuff like that and my son is 18 mos.
I'm sure you are doing great Becky!
my best advice "SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS, EVEN IF IT IS DURING THE DAY!" You will have your life back again later, but for now, get your rest and you will thank yourself for it and your hubby will thank you too.... rested mommy = happy wife... I learned the hard way by the way :)
Apparently I'm the odd one out because I actually found things got easier for me after I had my second. I have a two and half year old girl and a nine month old boy.
Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of work (but the best kind of work I've ever done!). Maybe I've just gotten used to the chaos?
My favorite parenting book is "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp
Crystal, I love your site!
Okay, to throw myself out on a limb here and disagree with everyone who I've heard speak on this matter....regarding going without a shower in the morning - or simply settling on getting a shower before lunch... this is not the mark of a busy young mother, but the sign of a person who is unorganized and a tad slothful. There are ways to combat this. Yes, many young mothers today settle for just getting there each day, but really is that good enough? Are we really doing our best for the Lord and our husbands when we settle for just managing to get the basics done? Honestly, taking care of one child is not that much extra work, and yes, I do know what it is like, I have three of whom the oldest is four. "Being a mother of small children" has become an excuse now for letting everything go to pot. "Oh, I'm focusing on my children" is a good reason to not be so particular about the housework, but it is just another excuse to set aside necessary duties. One can make time for the children and do the housework if one puts her mind to it.
Consider your grandmother, or even her mother, they had tons more to do each and every day than we did - and all without running water or electricity or the household aids we have, like a washing machine - and yet never have I heard of or seen evidence that their houses were a continual wreck, that they failed to get the dishes done, that they wore their pajamas beyond the time they got out of bed or any of the things that are so often attributed now to the result of being a mother of young children. In fact, they would probably have died before anyone, even a close friend, saw them wearing their pajamas! Isn't it time we stopped buying into the way of the world and took a more careful look at the way we do things? Isn't it time we took pride in the fact that this is our ministry and as such we are advocates for the Father by what we do and how we keep ourselves and our homes? Instead of settling for what we can comfortably accomplish without putting ourselves out at all.
And as for the question of what a normal activity level for a mother with a child is...it's going to be more than you did before because there is more to do than before. And with each child comes greater responsibility and even more work. However, through Christ all things are possible and He can make a way for you to get it all done. There might be personal sacrifices, such as putting aside extra curricular activities that we do for our own enjoyment. There will be time to do those later in life. You can't set aside your house or your children until later.
And lastly, if you do have someone drop by when your house is a mess, it doesn't matter if you're a young mother with multiple small children, common curtesy, common decency would require that you apologize for the state of the house. There are reasons aren't there? If so, then be considerate enough to show your guest that it does bother you that she would see your house in the state it is in and that you yourself haven't become so used to the mess that you don't even give it a second thought. Basic manners really.
I'm sorry for being so down on all you young mothers, but I am tired of hearing excuses for things that ought not to be excused.
Joanne: I know in writing these types of things I run the risk of some people thinking I'm lazy. My point was not that we shouldn't strive for excellence, but to just share what God has been teaching me as a "recovering perfectionist." Our home doesn't usually look like this, but dealing with a very quick move, morning sickness, and a toddler, have meant that there's no way it can be perfect, or even close to perfect. Instead of pulling my hair out about it, I'm trying to learn to focus on what matters most and be grateful for what gets done in the day, even if it isn't much off my to-do list.
I'm no expert by any means, but I have seen a lot of moms who have pushed themselves too hard, tried to live up to an impossible standard, and crashed and burned. I'd rather enjoy my husband, my home, and my family, even if it's often far from perfect, than spent all day long trying to be a "perfect wife and mom." This is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm learning that means some things must be let go of.
I really appreciated the wise words of some older women on this post on perfectionism and burn-out:
http://dominionfamily.com/blog/2006/12/streaming-content/
God bless all of you mommies - young and old!
Good for you, Crystal, for making your friend feel welcome rather than being prideful and either not opening the door or apologizing for the state of your house.
I disagree with Joanne that it is "common courtesy," common decency," or "basic manners" to apologize for the state of your home when it is messy. For whose benefit would you be apologizing? Your friend's? I don't think so. She just wants to see you, not a perfect house. Apologizing for a messy house is unhospitable, as it makes your friend feel like, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't have come; maybe she doesn't want me around." Why put up barriers like that in an already over-individualistic society? Friends are precious, and welcoming them at any hour is the right thing to do.
I second Joanne on common courtesy.....something very lacking in the younger set these days.
Read a book on manners and proper etiquette. If it were Jesus at the door, don't you think you would at least say "OH!!!! I am sooo sorry my house is a mess!!" at least I know I would (to be totally honest). You wouldn't want him stepping over stuff and sitting on dirty laundry would you???
The above said in love. :-)
Oh and I thought I should clarify that I'm not advocating no being courteous. :) If I know someone is coming over for a visit, I do my best to clean up and I try to always have the entry area of our house be pretty company-ready. I definitely think we should strive to keep our homes presentable and orderly.
However, I used to apologize profusely and be constantly worried if anything was out of place, so much so that I couldn't even enjoy the visit or be a good friend. I've realized I was more concerned about the impression I was giving, rather than just being a loving friend. I read a good article on this recently which really convicted me of this and I've been seeking to work on this area of my life (I think it was on Homeliving Helper, but I can't remember now).
That's good advice.
I would add that most of the mothers-of-many I am acquainted with say the first three are the hardest. Perhaps they are mainly talking about giving birth, but also by the time #4 comes around #1 is no doubt very helpful and well-trained (we hope).
Thanks for sharing this, I'm sure it's more encouraging than you know.
Hmmm, after I went back and read my post, I guess I should say I was speaking in a general term....NOT directed personally at you Crystal. Sorry about that.....really busy around here, so my thoughts fly fast. Guess I should use some "common courtesy" too eh????
P.S. Thinking about your move this weekend.....praying everything goes well, people stay happy and fed and that you will get good, peaceful sleep. P.S.S. DON'T forget where you put the toilet paper, saline solution, sheets, baby wipes, food things and phone. Oh and bath towels. VERY IMPORTANT!!!!! hee hee
A couple of things to clarify where I was coming from and what led to my comment....for several years now - since the birth of our first child, I have taken more notice of parenting magazines etc. Never have I subscribed to one, but have received some free. These weren't Christian by any sense of the word and in each and every one there was a sense that being a young mother meant that you were one of the ones who does certain things...ie. you know you're a young mother/mother of small children if you: go without a shower all day, if you don't wash your hair all week, if your house is a mess constantly, if you don't do this or that etc, etc, etc. And because you're a young mother then this is excusable - nay, even to be expected. It is frustrating to see that this mindset is being passed off as something that is normal rather than something that we should strive to go beyond. No, I don't advocate trying to bite off more than you can chew, but we each know where our limits are. I do believe though that we can go a little further, do a little more than often we do, simply because this task has been entrusted to us of the Lord and through His enabling we will have the strength to overcome our weakness. It was due to this frustration that I commented as I did. Frustration that this mindset seemed to be becoming the 'reason' behind not getting things done in Christian circles as well. I know that there are extenuating circumstances during which we won't get a shower, won't do this or that, but if that seems to be becoming the norm, maybe we ought to reassess our lives and our priorities and see what we're doing wrong.
Now...as to the apologizing for the house being a mess....I wasn't meaning to apologize in a way to make your guest uncomfortable for being there, or that would make you uncomfortable the entire time of her visit. At the time I was thinking (and am still thinking this now) that it is only polite to apologize so that she will know that you feel bad that she had been faced with the mess. Yes, you want her there, but no, you don't like the fact that your house is a mess. Just briefly let her know that it's not normally like this and you wish for her sake that it wasn't that way now, give a brief reason why it's so and ask her to forgive you the inconvenience - and then let the matter drop and don't mention it again. Apology requested, forgiveness given, case closed. It is a matter of basic manners. To ignore the matter can cause a couple of things: her to think that it doesn't bother you at all that your house is this way, or that she has to climb over things to get to the couch that you think was in that direction - or was the last time you saw it! It could also give the impression that, if you just ignore it, that you don't care what she thinks and don't care what impression you make.
Hope this clears things up a little.
Joanne,
Just a note - our mothers and grandmothers without running water didn't take showers every day and keep their legs shaved. They didn't wash their hair everyday, then style and blow dry in a modern way - they had buns. The kids didn't bathe everyday either. They had few clothes that they hung to air out, and re-wore. They made a day out of doing laundry, and were able to FOCUS, which is difficult for a mom today who must do so many other things all at the same time.
The houses were small, and you could hear what the kids were up to while you were in the kitchen. You didn't have to personally monitor every single bit of media exposure.
They didn't have a 2000 sq. ft. house; the children played with the neighbors, or in the yard, there was no ferrying to Gymboree and all those things young mothers are brainwashed into thinking their children need; there wasn't so much STUFF to take care of! The furniture and floor was usually wooden - and no relative would think to give a 4 year old lipstick - there was no need to spend half an hour getting spots out of the carpet. Nowadays, you are lucky if you HAVE a yard; and if you do, the modern woman is required to keep it up to a certain code; you can't simply hack the prairie down to a shorter level or make a dirt run for the chickens, and most of us don't have gardeners on staff. Some places, you can't even hang your laundry out to dry - it's not allowed. You can't simply send the kids off to the creek to the afternoon to fish or explore, a la Mrs. Wilder. Who knows what kind of stranger might intercept them? I don't even let mine play at the neighbor's house - I'm not there to approve TV shows, keep them away from video games, I don't know if the dad or older brother has a subscription to Victoria's Secret, or worse. So, I actually will often have up to 10 kids playing at our house. In our old neighborhood, I homeschooled; but if I hadn't, there's NO WAY I would let them walk to school alone, the way our moms and grandmothers did.
I'm not saying they didn't work hard - they did, no doubt; our work today is just different. Yes, we have dishwashers - but we also usually have more dishes. Things like having a "good china" set, an everyday set, a children's dish set was usually reserved for wealthier households, with servants, in past times. Now, we are convinced we need several sets, and indeed, some guests might be offended if offered the 'everyday' set.
Yes, we have washing machines; but we also are required to dress differently on many occasions. In many places it would be considered even rude to appear in a dress to an event more than once; while our great grandmothers had "Sunday Best" and a few everyday dresses, we have clothes for the out of doors, hiking, sports; church clothes, funeral clothes, cocktail or fancier dresses for husband's work events, white socks, black socks, flats, heels, hose, tennis shoes... if we had a simpler life, we would have less work. Used to be, only the rich (again, with hired help) had different ensembles for different things like this. (remember the scene in the Great Brain books when the older brother gets "tennis clothes" to impress a girl? Would that even raise an eyebrow today?)
I also disagree with the "common decency" would require an apology about the state of the house. (Even though I *always* do that, even when I've spent the day prior cleaning for my guest!) Until recently - it was very poor manners to comment on people's things. In the last century, it would have been insulting for a guest to remark on "what a lovely home" or "or what beautiful dishes, where'd you get them". It was more proper to compliment a woman (or anyone) on character and abilities, not possessions.
I think a large part of the problem is our modern culture makes it difficult to be a biblical woman, to imitate our forbears. Often, young moms are thrown into the fire. There is no "Titus 2" woman to show them the way - we're all groping in the dark ourselves. Often, our own mothers worked outside the home; mine didn't, but I spent most of my days at school and had no idea what or how she did everything at home.
Think back even to the "Waltons". The grandmother was there, the mom was there, the menfolk were generally around, and not commuting 2 hours to an 8 hour job. Families lived and worked together - if a father was a shopkeeper, the family lived above the shop. They were all in it together. It was only after the industrial revolution that fathers went far away to work.
Oh, and it does get better the more kids you have! The children will entertain each other, tattle, er, look out for each other, help in the work. You will get more laid back, and realize that being a mother IS the "volunteer" and even ministry work that God is calling you to in this season of your life, and hopefully you will stop watching Martha Stewart and just actually do the basics, forgoing elaborate centerpieces, handwork, organic herb gardening, and other perfectionist tasks that "impossibly wonderful moms" are *supposed* to do.
Sorry this is so rambling and long, but here's one last thought:
If stay at home moms *stayed at home*, their work would get done. This means physically, but also mentally (the computer sucks me in, I struggle with this) and spiritually at home. If your body is driving to the third playdate of the week or to pick up a latte; if you mind is somewhere else, checking email or watching Oprah, if your spirit is planning the next Sunday school lesson/ice cream social instead of demonstrating Biblical principles in person to your kids, then no wonder it's hard to keep on top of everything! Nobody's *home*!
Thank you, Milehimama. You captured so eloquently the dilemmas of today's young mother. Thanks for reminding everyone never to judge the present by the past. Yes, somethings never change, but circumstances definitely do. Thank you.
I don't know if anyone is still reading these comments - but, here I go: I have to say that apologizing for the state of our house isn't for our guest's benefit (as much as we would like to believe it is), neither is it generally about common courtesy. It's nearly always pride. Pride that you are seen as "one of those" who are not Martha Stewart. Pride that produces embarassment over what could be perceived as poor housekeeping. I think it's the OPPOSITE of hospitality. Hospitality is not a clean house (although it can include that), it's not apologizing for a less than clean house (that's thinking of YOURSELF and your own embarassment) - hospitality is true joy in seeing a friend and a willingness to do what it takes to make them comfortable, even though your morning did not go as planned and the house is a mess. I will say this very clearly: a true friend cares about YOU. If that person is offended because they have now seen your house a mess - my goodness, they have an awful lot of growing up to do. I have been in spotless homes where I did not feel welcomed and in homes that were not so clean, but I felt loved and cared for.
Yes, I agree that the culture these days allows far too much room for laziness. That's a very good point. I've seen it in magazines and heard it in many comments as well. And, yes, I have had a messy house because of laziness. But I've also had a messy house because of sick children or a sick mommy. It takes all of five minutes to get a messy house. If I apologized to someone who came, saying, "I'm so sorry it's a mess, the kids have been sick," I think that's just really trying to prove that I'm much more perfect than you see today, but circumstances prevented me from showing you my Mary Poppins perfection. Again, it's a comment about ME, and it has nothing to do with truly being hospitable and caring for my guest.
As for second babies being hard. It's really all in what you get. If you have a clingy toddler and a hard baby, you get strep throat three times and mastitis once all before he is three months old, and he has eczema and reflux - well then, a second baby will be hard. It really doesn't completely depend on numbers. It's what you deal with when that baby is small. My second was hard because of what I listed above. My third was easy because that clingy toddler had grown up, my second hard baby had grown into a very independent toddler and my third baby was not nearly as hard. My fourth baby is so easy that the transition isn't as hard as adding #2. Not because he was #2, but because of what happened that year. So, encouragment for you that whatever God has in His hand to give to you, that is what will happen when this sweet little one arrives. And He will carry you through it.
Brooke
Hi! I read this blog from time to time for advice, being a very newly married housewife! My husband and I were married in August. I go to Bible school and work a home-based business, but other than that I am very blessed at this time to be able to stay home, and not work in the corporate world! I must say I disagree with what Joanne said...I do agree that we as Christians should strive for excellence in everything we do. But I do not agree that we should feel pressured to have everything perfect. We especially should not compare ourselves to others. I am someone who has struggled with being a perfectionist all my life, and I know how painful it can be to feel as if you can never measure up and get everything done that you need to. It has always been my dream to be a housewife, and later, a mom! So, from the first day we were married, I have strived to keep our small one bedroom apartment tidy! But many times when I have hopped up to do the dishes or straighten, my husband would tell me not to worry about it until later, because he would rather me sit there with him and spend quality time. I just dislike anyone making someone to feel inferior. Any woman who is staying home and taking care of her husband and children has my respect, whether her home is spotless or not!
brooke and anon (after brooke)--EXACTLY!
Crystal--I knew what you meant. :)
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