Doing nothing?
Hi. My aunt gave me a cd from Vision Forum- Victory for Daughters- and I just listened to it. These three sisters and another girl speak all about their wonderful lives at home. I have only read a little of your blog, but it seems to me that you and many of your readers advocate this sort of practice of daughters spending all day at home instead of obtaining a degree or earning a paycheck in the normal working world. I have no idea what the girls on this cd are like and don't want to be one to judge, but how can someone really be as happy as that to basically spend their lives doing nothing? I guess I've never heard of this before and want to know more about it. Does anyone know these girls and what they are really like? I really do want to know if they are as content and happy as they say they are. -AllisonHi, Allison!
Thank you for taking time to comment. This blog is about encouraging women to embrace their God-given roles as wives, mothers, daughters, and sisters. I just finished writing a book on the very subject of your question to help debunk the myth that by staying at home and serving your family you are miserable and "doing nothing." Let me quote a small part of it here:
This book shares my own personal testimony and the testimonies of many other young women who are devoted to being visionary daughters. I would be happy to send you a copy free of charge if you are interested in reading how many such young women are practically living out the principles found in God's Word for young women. Just email me. You may be surprised to find how much joy and fulfillment can be found in serving and giving to others rather than seeking to fulfill your own ambitions. It is truly a blessed life. I know from personal experience.Being a wife, mother, and homemaker is not a very highly esteemed profession in our current culture. I've even been told that to be "just" a wife and mom is to live with "half your brain tied behind your back." For some reason, our society finds it completely acceptable to be a teacher or a nanny for other people's children, but to teach or care for your own children full-time is not a "real" job...
Despite popular opinion or what the feminists may want us to believe, being a daughter, sister, wife, and/or mother is the greatest profession any woman can have. A woman who stands behind her man (be that a husband or a father) and seeks to make him successful is so much more powerful than any woman who stands on her own. A woman who devotes the bulk of her time and energy to motherhood or caring for and loving little children is shaping the next generation. All the glitter, wealth, fame, and academic achievements in this world cannot compare to these noble callings. -Handmaidens of the Lord
I would also like to encourage any young women, women, or moms out there who are stay-at-home moms, wives, and daughters to comment and respond to Allison's questions.
posted by Crystal Paine at 4:19 PM
31 Comments:
With three children in quick succession plus homeschooling *no one* has ever indicated that they thought I was "doing nothing" while staying at home, lol! Quite the opposite in fact. I get comments anywhere from, "Wow, I really admire you. I could never do that," to, "You must be exhausted."
This wasn't the case when I was home before we had children though. Certain men in the church we attended were particularly nasty in their comments. I think this is partly because their wives would have loved to stay at home and the husbands didn't want me proving the "we can't live without your paycheque" statement to be false. Ironically, these very same men had their children in the youth group that my husband and I worked so hard to run. Rather than "work" I was volunteering by playing piano, getting everything ready for youth group meetings, and keeping the house running smoothly so my husband was able to work full time plus preach, teach Bible studies, lead youth group etc.
My days were very full before the children came. They are just as full now, only my focus has shifted to teaching and raising my children. (I believe there was a study once showing that at SAHM works the equivalent of two full time jobs).
Hi...I think I could help this young woman see the good points of being at home. I've always been...and am perfectly content! Does Allison have a blog or anything I could read about her? Maybe knowing her background could help us with providing advice. Thanks!
Allison,
I truly admire you for looking into something to which you are not familiar to find out the truth for yourself! I am positive that if you seek the whole truth, you will certainly find it.
My mother joyfully chose to stay at home with my brother and I, and to teach us at home. In turn, I joyfully looked forward to filling my future role as a wife and mother. Today, I am a stay-at-home, homeschool mother of four (with more to come, God-Willing). Not once, did I ever anticipate my job at home to be as fulfilling and joyous as it has been! It was and still is my "dream job."
I love looking into my dear ones' eyes and seeing the "lightbulb moments." To see my husband look at the dinner, that I have worked diligently to prepare, with delight and to hear his comments on how well I have kept the house clean is a reward like no other. I love being able to see the "firsts" happen with my children, instead of having someone else tell me about them. I love to teach them and show them the world around them. My longing is to prepare a home as the woman of Proverbs 31 faithfully did. The end result TRULY justifies the means in this career choice!
Please do not take offense, but I do have to chuckle at your comment about staying home and doing nothing. Being a wife, mother and homemaker is not at all an easy job. Contrary to what you might think, I do not have time to sit around, watch TV and eat my bon-bons. It truly is a full-time job to keep house, be a helpmeet to my husband and to raise a family! Although, as much as it is a job, it is the most rewarding position that I can imagine having the privilege of occupying! Every single hour of college credit and every moment of life experiences will never hold a candle to what I can accomplish, with God at my side, through my chosen career as wife, keeper at home and mother!
I hope that you will someday have the opportunity, as well as the desire, to choose the role of wife, homemaker and stay-at-home mother! Then, you too will be an advocate of the career that many of us women have chosen!
Lisa Metzger, wife to Mark (a financial planner in Charlotte),
2nd generation homeschool mom to:
Annalise (13, adopted from Kazakhstan at 10). Kaitlyn (6), Ethan (5), Julia Claire (8 months) & more to come (God-Willing)!
Yes, it is true that daughters who live at home can be content and happy there. I am one of them. :)
God has made it clear that the absolute best place for me to be is at home, focusing on ministry to both my family and the local body of Christ. What more profitable way could I find to spend my time?! I find that it all comes down one's perspective or worldview.
Having parents who inspire me to live biblically, rather than looking to the world to find out how to conduct myself, has been a true blessing of the Lord in my life.
Being an older daughter living at home is similar to any other stage of life. There are times when you take your focus off of God, and become discontent with where He has you (just like any other human being on earth would, whether they are a secretary, wife and mother or husband and father, missionary, lawyer, teacher, doctor...my list could go on).
It is important to reject these sinful thoughts of discontentment and instead form our thoughts with "biblical thinking caps" placed on our heads.
I am so grateful to the Lord that I can live at home with my beloved family!
I am so blessed to stay at home as a daughter in my family, and have just been thinking how busy I am! I use my time to help my family members with a variety of tasks, instead of contracting them out to others. I have had the flexibility to volunteer for many projects, campaigns, church events, and more. I have been able to help/work for a number of families, working alongside the girls or mothers in their tasks.
It is so wonderful to be here, involved in family relationships, investing in those I care most about, aiding their work and working together. It is my joy to prepare for one of the most world-affecting jobs there is--that of being a wife to a righteous man, mother of children raised up to serve God, and keeper of a home designed to spread light and peace to all who enter.
Focusing our energies on the home, yields a never-ending source of skills to cultivate, projects to pursue, and entrepreneurial opportunities. Daughters at home can fill a very needed place in local churches, ministering to families with young children, or the elderly, and in other capacities.
This lifestyle is not restrictive or boring, but filled with blessings and happiness; and it affords innumerable ways to use our hands and minds for God-glorifying, eternally-significant duties. For those that desire to be keepers at home, God will give them all the knowledge, guidance, confidence, and contentment they need.
I agree with what the ladies have expressed here. God called me to be at home and there is no more significant work.
HOWEVER, I admit that, while I have never had "nothing to do", it has at times been difficult to be motivated to do it. My (homeschooled, teen-age) daughters and I have gone through periods of depression that were brought on by loneliness.
It's not an issue people like to really talk about, but one that bears considering.
Here's another daughter at home. I don't know the girls of which you speak but I know myself and honestly I am as happy and content as I ever might sound.
The idea that we're all at home doing nothing couldn't be farther from the truth. My days are packed to the brim and I have more than enough to keep me busy as long as I stay motivated. The tasks that we do are the ones that are fundamental to society. Caring for a family or helping care for one is the most important thing we can do... besides being the place God has for us.
I recently blogged on the subject of daughters at home... so please visit my blog for my more in-depth thoughts about it.
I am a retired podiatrist and very, very thankful to be a Stay At Home Homeschooling Mom. I find great joy in serving my husband and 6 y/o son. I have not worked outside the home for 4 years. I enjoy the stress free life I live now. I am content and would not want it anyother way. My life is dedicated to God first and then my family. The Lord is changing 44 years of "me" first and allowing me to see it is not about me but all about Him. My desire is to be a woman after His heart which means I put Him first and follow His ways. Following His ways I must train and consistently discipline my son. When I was irritable and tired from working all day I could not loving fulfill that training. I find contentment hearing my son pray, when I see his compassion to others, when I hear what my husband says about me to his co-workers, and knowing that I am following the Lord.
Just recently I have had the opportunity to see several teenage girls in their homes. They do not know how to take care of themselves let along a family as they prepare to go to college. My one friend stated I know she does not know how to do housework but she has a 4.0 average. I pray weekly for my son's wife that her mother is training her to love the LORD and to want to be a help meet to her husband.
noth•ing (n th ng)
pron.
1. No thing; not anything: The box contained nothing. I've heard nothing about it.
2. No part; no portion: Nothing remains of the old house but the cellar hole.
3. One of no consequence, significance, or interest: The new nonsmoking policy is nothing to me.
n.
1. Something that has no existence.
2. Something that has no quantitative value; zero: a score of two to nothing.
3. One that has no substance or importance; a nonentity: “A nothing is a dreadful thing to hold onto” (Edna O'Brien).
I just wanted to make sure I truly understood the meaning of nothing before I responded to this. I am a bit tired of everyone saying that I am either ‘one of no consequence, significance or interest’ or that I have no existence, to quantitative value, substance, importance—that I’m a nonentity. Yet that is what most must think of the homemaker.
Homemaking used to be viewed as an art. There are college degrees in homemaking—in fact I’m going to encourage my daughter to earn a homemaking degree either before she gets married or during the first years of marriage. It’s a valuable asset!
By saying a homemaker does nothing is in my opinion not only offensive to the stay-at-home moms, but also the women who do work. I mean, if what homemakers do is nothing so is all the laundry, meal prep, cleaning, errands, etc that working women do when they come home.
Having cleared that up, I can honestly say there are few days I do nothing. I believe training my children according to God’s will is significant, therefore by doing this I’m doing something. I believe doing the dishes so we can have them for the next meal or washing laundry so we don’t stink is important. I believe teaching my children at home is of quantitative value, value that will be passed on to future generations of my family. I think being here for my family, without the distraction of a job give substance to our family. I play a HUGE part in our family, just as every member does.
I attended college for two years and listened as my science teachers told me I was from a monkey and decided it better to take a D on the final than to confess to that theory taught as fact. After my second year I told people I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do with my life, so I dropped out. The truth is I knew then what I really wanted to be was a wife and a mother.
During my fifteen years of marriage and thirteen years as a parent I’ve tried the working thing, the public school thing and the do what the world does thing. What I’ve found is I made just about enough money to put us in a higher tax bracket so that we could give all my earnings to Uncle Sam, that public school despise God and are mortified if a first grader brings a story Bible to school for their free reading time and that the world thinks it’s fine for children to play violent TV games for entertainment and teens are ready to have sex when THEY think they are old enough. I have family who is totally against my home schooling my children. I’ve been called controlling, lazy, radical and judgemental for only telling someone I was a stay-at-home home schooling mother.
My point is that my decision to become a stay-at-home mom turned out to be the best decision I made in my life. It was a decision to do SOMETHING, so an excuse to do nothing. I’m there to make sure my husband and my children are being nurtured and cared for the way the Bible tells us to. I’m teaching my children more thoroughly than I believe they would be taught at our local public school. I’m telling them daily about God and teaching them to seek Him and read His word. My children are obedient (most of the time) and courteous, unlike many of my nieces and nephews who have the modern ‘in you face’ attitude toward adults.
I also find ways to bring in an income. Right now it’s selling some of our used stuff on E-bay. Last summer I worked in a mother’s day out program where my children were allowed to work beside me. I also watched three boys who are living with their grandparents while their mother was in prison. Because I haven’t made a career the center of my life I was able to minister to these boys needs—which at the time was to have a mother figure to tell them they were lovable and special in God’s eyes. I’m going to the youngest ones birthday party tonight.
So, do you still view homemakers as doing nothing?
I'm not very good at saying what I feel about things, so I usually put it in a poem. This is a poem the Lord gave me and is how I feel about being a wife and mother. I consider myself very priviledged for God to have chosen me for this very important position in the life of my family and myself. My poem is called My Place.
My Place
I’m proud to be
Your Mom you see
I love this place
God gave to me
And in this place
A wife I am
God gave to me
A marvelous man
My purpose
In this place so grand
Is loving my children
And loving my man.
©written in Jesus name by Mrs. Geraldine Rose 7/29/03
Hi. I am a 40 year old stay-at-home mom. My husband and I married when we were 18. I did not even like babies or children then. I had my first child at age 23. I had worked at a grocery store from the time I was 18 until I went on maternity leave. When she arrived, boy did my world change and were my eyes opened to what being a woman is all about. In addition to that, I met the living God through this child and my life has never been the same. My going back to work and letting someone else care for my baby was never an option. We homeschool and babysit two girl toddlers. My daughters will make excellent wives and mothers. I sacrificed a lot by not going back to work, but they were worth it. We live modestly. "Things" are not a priority in our lives. The two little girls that I keep do not want to leave me when their moms come to get them. They are with me ten hours a day, five days a week. It should not be this way. I know there are some women who have no choice and I pray that God helps them, but I venture to say that most working mothers are working to maintain a lifestyle, not for the needs of the children. If these little babies could speak and the toddlers and preschoolers could articulate, they would tell mommy that they would rather have her than the SUV, the 4,000 sq. ft. house, or the name brand clothes. You could not pay me to join the work force. I am where I was created to be. God bless you all.
Hi Allison,
This is very long but, I hope, worth the read for you. You asked to hear from women that stay at home. Over the past 10 years I have been a working wife/mother for 5 years and a stay at home mother for 5 years. I wanted to write as someone who has been on both sides of the fence so to speak.
I am a stay at home mother of four children ages 10, 4, 3 and 2. I am 34 years old and married to my husband and my best friend.
I became a stay at home mother when I was pregnant with my 4 year old, 5 years ago this past May. Prior to that I worked as a paralegal for a very large law firm in New York. I have a college degree and one year of law school that I earned while on a full academic scholarship at Columbia University in New York. I commuted to work, had a child in day care and worked from 9-5 but usually later. I was sought after, I was in a position of authority so to speak with subordinates under me. I was one step away from an attorney and usually did more work than the attorneys. I thought I was important. I thought that my position meant something. At last count at my job I was not yet 30 years old and I was making $75,000.00 a year.
In 2001 I became pregnant with Thomas and had severe pre-term labor from 3 months on. I was confined to bedrest and "forced" to stay home. I lost my job as a result. During that difficult pregnancy where every single movement I made could have potentially damage my son I was forced to really just STOP. Stop the running back and forth, stop the stress, stop working and stop thinking really.
When I stopped was when I found myself. Honestly. I spent years thinking that I wanted to be this high powered attorney, saving the world, helping to rid the world of injustice. Actually as a side note, to this day I am still a big advocate against domestic violence and child abuse - just in another way.
Anyway, I realized how much I truly disliked the rat race. I disliked racing out of work to get my daughter only to find her on some days being the last child left. I cherish those after work moments where I would see her after a long day and I would just get down on my knees and hold her and feel all that love. But at the same time what I wouldn't give to have all of those "firsts" that I missed back.
What I realized on bedrest was that these moments are so precious. You can't get the time back. I knew that I wanted to be home. Nothing else was nearly as important as being with my kids. Not only that but this home, the home that I make for them, is the only one they will have. I made a choice to be a mother. And more importantly, God has given me this tremendous blessing. I am not nearly worthy of the love, mercy and grace that our Lord has bestowed on me. And what I realized was that because He gave me my wonderful husband and these unbelievable children I had to do everything in my power to raise them in the very best way that I could.
So I made a choice to stay at home. My husband was 100% supportive and really wanted me home. And we took a HUGE pay cut. We made some really serious changes in our lifestyle to accomodate this. I have had to be "frugal" for the first time in my life and at the same time focus on making my house a home for my family. Knowing my reputation as a "spender" most people would have thought this would be difficult. And it was a little. I had to give up some things.
But Allison, I can tell you that today, with 2 more babies after Thomas, my home is where I truly want to be. I would never, ever, go back to work. Not in an office at least. I work in my home and I also write which is my passion. I am a staff writer at www.avirtuouswoman.org and I also have an article coming out in the summer edition of The Old Schoolhouse. I also work as a freelance legal assistant to help with the bills.
Am I doing nothing??? Let me give you a typical day in the life of Donna and family.
6:30 or 7:00 I wake up and try to have some quiet time before the little ones wake up. That sometimes works depending on who is awake. Anyway, I try to have some prayer time, usually throw in some laundry.
7:30 everyone is awake except for my hubby. I give the kids their breakfast, get Alyssa ready for school - she's my oldest and will be homeschooled next year - I can't wait!
8:15 Alyssa leaves for school and I have some time to check email and find an activity for the kids.
9:00 wake up hubby and make his breakfast.
9:00 until 11:00 - Grocery shopping, errands, cleaning, etc.
The afternoons are usually spent doing activities with the kids, having friends over or working. I average about 15-20 hours logged on to work per week. I do legal dictation via the internet.
By 4:00 I am starting dinner, doing homework with Alyssa and giving baths to the little ones.
By 7:30 all kids are in bed and I have some time to get myself together before my husband gets home from work.
By staying home I have been able to find my passion and my purpose. I finally realized that my purpose is to be a wife and a mother. My full satisfaction and completion honestly come from that. I know that the Lord put me on bedrest with Thomas to open the door to home for me. I absolutely know that like I know my own name.
Do I miss making alot of money and working in an environment where I am counted on and valued for my brains? Honestly no. I really don't. Because you can't take the money with you. And my days are so busy and so fulfilled with what is truly important that I have no regrets for the way I live my life now. And my daughters are being raised to know that they too can take pride in being a wife and a mother and that is truly what matters.
I have written an article that is featured on www.avirtuouswoman.org. It is entitled Happily Submissive and I would encourage you to read it.
And you can email me at donnaheaney@optonline.net if you would like to chat further.
I commend you in being open minded and wanting to explore this. And I would hope that you find in your research that being at home is anything BUT doing nothing.
Have a blessed and joyous day!
Donna
I understand how you feel! I am a single young woman in my twenties and living at home where I have always lived.
I have completed a decent amount of college with the blessing of my family. I never went away to school. I took many online classes and then spent a year studying at a local Bible college.
I also have worked part-time for many years. My home situation makes it necessary that I work, and I have been blessed with some amazing opportunities to work with children, in Christian environments, and in positions that have all helped me with my present ventures from home. I also feel the skills I have learned will greatly bless my husband and children one day.
I have also volunteered for many years- either at Crisis pregnancy centers or children's Bible studies and Christian clubs.
I say all of this about my life because I feel it is possible to live at home under the protection of your family and still DO SOMETHING. My experiences look very different than many young women who also find themselves at home in their single days. But my heart and greatest passion (next to serving the Lord) is to love my family.
Being home does not necessarily equal doing nothing. And might I add, more important than the details of how young women stay home is the heart behind it. If your desire is to honor the Lord first, He will give you abundant opportunities to DO MANY THINGS.
I guess if you think going to a college and getting exposed to drugs, alcohol, athiest ideas, anti-biblical lectures, and co-ed living arrangements, is doing something with your life, besides being a homemaker and following the BIBLE (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth, then one would need to re-examine their thinking. I would encourage you to visit Vision Forum and Ladies Against Feminism which has some good articles on the pitfalls of modern education.
God obviously wants His children to be intelligent, educated, thinking beings but not so esteemed as to put ones spiritual life on the line. Many young people enter a secular school and became sheep led astray. One woman I know ended up having a child out of wedlock with a non-believer and throwing her values out the window.
I would encourage anyone here considering earning a degree to check out online options, and community colleges where they can commute, but still be at home under the influence of caring, discerning parents or another godly role model. This obviously does not mean living with a boyfriend, even if he is church-going or what not. It is also wise to choose a school curriculum that would be useful in the role of a homemaker. Sadly, few schools offer solid home economics programs. I guess we're supposed to microwave everything!?!?
Anyways, late night feedings, cooking, cleaning, financial managing, running errands, caring for sick babies, etc etc. If that is not work, then I don't what is. Also, Crystal's book The Merchant Maiden has a section about what she did while living at home without running off to university. Including teaching music lessons, cooking for 9 people and doing laundry for 9 people....(Crystal you hereby get the medal for climbing Mount Neverest!!!)
Pertaining to Amy's first post, a SAHM would have the equivalent of a six figure income in the working world!
So for all you SAHM's out there, we are just rolling in dough (bread dough??)
Dear Allison,
Years ago I also used to wonder what girls "did all day" when living at home before marriage. Why didn't they get a job? Go to college? Why didn't they get out on their own and start living their lives instead of always depending on Mom & Dad for everything?
Since coming to know the Lord at age 24 after years of being out on my own, I've found no scriptures where a young, unmarried woman is out on her own away from her family. Also, all married women were living in familiy settings, unless it was a very rare circumstance. One single person living alone is NOT a family. Trust me on that one.
I've lived my life contrary to God's instructions for many years. It did not work. It CANNOT work. Therefore I want to now base my life on what GOD says to do and not do.
When living in a family setting, there is much to do. Each member of the family must be a valuable, contributing member. Each contributes in a different way: the little 3 year old that lifts the plate over her head to set the table, the 12 yr old that cuts the grass, the mother that cooks, grocery shops and manages the million things that go into making a house a home, the dad that works for wages to pay the house payment, dentist and electric bill, the 22 yr old unmarried daughter that helps by vacuuming Dad's van, baking him his favorite treat that Mother may not have time to do, that takes the 12 yr old to the orthodontist, that visits Grandma and takes her to her doctor appt., helps get dinner, helps a younger sibling with homework. This girl is learning day in and day out how to be a thoughtful caring woman that values her family above all else but God and is practicing to be a terrific wife and mother. How on earth could one human being have time to learn all of these skills, and the attitude of loving and helping the family unit while in college all day or out in the work force?
Dear Allison, your aunt must think the world of you and sees that you have the potential to be a wonderful help to your parents. If you had one day to just stay home and do nothing but be a blessing and assist your family in anyway you could, what would you do?
Take Care,
Crystal, I am looking forward to the release of your book - I'm hoping to have it in time to give it to my dd's 17th birthday. She is now feeling the pressure of making the decision of "what to do" after graduation. She is already extending her highschool by a year - her decision - for which I am very happy.
Where we run into problems is people are telling her she should get further education because "what would you do if your husband wasn't able to work or worse - killed". I know my endustrious daughter would be able to provide for a family - without a degree - but she's feeling the pressure - which is difficult when it's coming from respected leaders in the church.
For the gal in the original post - I have been a SAH mom for almost 17 years now, and I can tell you that I would love to "do nothing" once in a while. My primary responsibility is to my husband and children, but as my children have gotten older I have been able to have a home business that helps with finances and pays for "extra's" for the dc. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else - even after my children have left the nest - then I'll enjoy my grandchildren.
Being from the baby-boomer generation I have an even harder time trying to convince people that my place is in the home, because most women from my generation are out there busy working, to reach 62 and draw their retirement.
I have a husband, grown children and grandchildren. I take care of our home-this includes cleaning, dusting, mopping, scrubbing the bathroom and kitchen, sweeping, vacuuming, washing dishes, scrubbing pots and pans. I wash the laundry, then hang it on the clothesline, I then take it in, fold, iron what has to be ironed, putaway, hang, etc. I am in charge of organizing the household, as well as business and personal paperwork. I also do things such as decluttering, and maintaining our home to some extent.
I cook three meals a day, sometimes for as many as 9 people. I take care of the herb garden, flower garden and the vegetables. I do some sewing, and some crafts. I organize recycleables to be disposed of properly. I take out the trash at the end of the day. I tend to the small animals throughout the day. I answer personal and business phone calls. I have supper on the table when my husband and sons come home from work.
My husband is not only the provider, but does heavy gardening tasks, and takes care of the larger animals. He does the major maintaining such as plumbling, carpentry work as well as earn the living.
I never expect him to do any household tasks' other than what he is willing to do or has more expertise in than I do, such as repairing things.
I probably know more about building and carpentry than the average American man, because I have been around it for over 30 years, but I do not ever step into my husbands shoes and proclaim such. That is not my place. My place is in the home, and I would not ever want him to step into my territory and take over or claim to know even as much, or more than me about the household.
We all have to have pride in what we do, and yet be humble. We have to give credit where it belongs. We also have to let each other have a place to be in the limelight. Whether it is building houses or running a small business, or running a household. We all have our place, and each of us has a calling.
Some people choose to do what they do, and some are expected to do what they do, and others are forced by circumstances to do what they had rather not do.
I fall into the category of wanting to be home, as well as being able to be home, and as others have stated I have done without most of our married life to be able to stay at home. I also figured out early on that biblically, home is where I belong.
It is a true calling to really want this, not laziness as some presume. Because as you can see, there is plenty to do! Yes, there are days when I had rather do nothing. And some days I do just that! But other days I more than make up for it. Sometimes I do more than required, and can rest the next day to some extent.
I probably really sound like this is a personal thing, that I am defending myself - but I am defending anyone who has it in their heart to obey God's word and be a "keeper at home". But again, it has to be a "calling"...Not every young girl has this desire, and not every woman.
I challenge anyone who thinks that staying home and taking care of her family is boring, lazy, or wasting her time-to just try it. Put your heart into it, and go the extra mile, and when you see the look on your husband's face, or your child's when they see that you have put forth the effort to "take care" of them, to put them first instead of an outside job, and the luxuries it "seems" to provide, you'll begin to agree with the majority here who say there is nothing in the world you'd rather do. "Somebody" has to fill this position. It is a very necessary position. A wife, homemaker, and mother is the hub of the home. She is the heart! Homemaking and caring for your family is anything but, doing nothing! Try taking the motor out of your refrigerator and see how it works. Take the compressor out of the air conditioner and see if it cools. Remove the baking element from the oven and see if it still bakes.
Take the caring wife or devoted mother out of the home and see how quickly it can fall apart!!
Hi Allison,
my understanding is slightly different, probably because I've spent decades working outside the home. My careers/jobs have been in the areas of corporate international and national sales and working for non-profits. For the last decade and half, I've worked from home with my husband -independent financial management-, making a home and, separately but still at home, as a farmer, shepherd, teacher, writer, photographer and now as a co-editor of an e-magazine.
I don't believe the Bible teaches women shouldn't have jobs other than strictly being a homemaker. Several women in the Bible had jobs, one assumes additionally to family/home, and include Deborah, a judge; Lydia a seller of purple; and the Proverbs 31 woman who bought and sold land. I believe the Bible teaches God first and family/home second. My work -jobs- takes third place to God and my family.
From personal experience, I know working in the corporate world is enormously unsatisfying, unhealthy and harmful to personal and home life. The corporate world *demands* the full attention, time, talents and leaves, virtually, nothing left over for the employee. I've worked for non-profits that were, allegedly, "Christian" based and they were the worst of all. After working a 60 hour week, my boss told me, "if you can't handle the work load, maybe you'd better find another job."
His was some of the best advice I ever got. I quit that job and began working from home and have done so ever since.
My husband and I haven't been blessed with children but our house is still a home. We enjoy sanctuary, peace, calm --- well, as much as one gets on a working farm! --- and greatly benefit from our decision for both of us to work from home. I've yet to meet a woman anywhere who "does nothing" whether she's in the home or in the workplace. A woman, or a man, who is taught even the basics of home keeping skills is a blessed and rare person indeed. It takes skill, a LOT of skill, to run a home so that it's kept clean, food purchased, prepared and presented well /fast food - UGH!/, laundry done nicely and so there's no scrambling for clean socks on Thursday morning, no running out of toilet paper, etc...
I've met too many young women and men who were at the mercy of someone else because they couldn't prepare a simple, nourishing meal or sew a button on a blouse/shirt. Being at someone else's mercy means far too much income is spent paying others to do such simple things as laundry or sew a button.
It takes three times as much money coming in the door to make up for money going out the door. People lose money because they aren't taught to think of it as a tool. I know many women who are working outside the home in jobs paying $8 an hour or less. If they would count the cost, they would find they are losing money. It takes far more money for them to work outside the home -clothes, transportation, baby sitter, fast food //UGH!//, coffee/soda/lunch...the list goes on- than it would for them to stay at home.
Please tell me...does that make economic sense?
Education is a wonderful thing; I've got a Bachelor of Science degree and teach at a university. I maintain not everyone needs to go University nor even college. There are many non-college/university programs that prepare a person quite well for life. My advice is to stop with the "one size fits all" mentality and think outside the box and what passes for "normal" these days. Don't pin yourself down, Allison; don't trap yourself in "stinky thinking". I truly believe humanity would be better off if we all worked from home...husband and wife both. Our eyes have gotten off the eternal, the truly important and have become more narrowly focused on the here and now of making money...not making a life. And, isn't making a life what life is all about? Making a life that's pleasing to God?
God's blessings on you, yours and the work of your hands,
Sandra
Thistle Cove Farm
VA, USA
I have been married for 34 years now and was a stay at home wife from the beginning...then when we had our boys...I was a stay at home mom...that ended when my youngest was in the 5th grade and my oldest in the 8th grade...I went to work as a teachers aide in the school where they went. :) that was for 7 years...I enjoyed that school because it was a real country school with old fashioned values but when our little school closed down to consolidate with the bigger and more modern schools I decided to quit work...even though my kids were out of school by then my work never did decrease.
I kept VERY busy and still do...sometimes I have days when there isn't much to do...but they are few and very far between..I have enjoyed being a wife and a mother to the fullest...I do things to make extra money in between my homemaking....Like sewing and doing alterations for people plus I take time to help my aging mom and dad take care of their garden and grass cutting... I also make things out of wood and sell those things...like night stands, book shelves, grandfather clocks...just some of the things I have learned while being a stay at home wife and mother. We didn't have daughters to teach cooking and things like that but thankfully I taught my sons how to cook. :)
I try to ease the burden around the home when it comes to doing things because my dear husband works so hard and drives 2 hours every day to work then 2 hours back home...our sons also ride to work with my husband...they are all electricians...they spend so much time on the road making the money to live in this world...I just feel like I have to do more around the home to help do my part. I take care of the farm animals and the dogs..mow the grass for our house and for my sons homes...(they have wives that work outside the home) thankfully we have a riding mower...lolol I raise our garden and can all of the food..plus take care of the swimming pool, flower gardens and the weeding around the house. I still iron most of our clothes (can't stand him going to work with wrinkled clothes. lolol)hang the clothes outside when it isn't raining or too cold, clean, cook, paint, build ...what ever helps around here.
I have enjoyed doing all this and my sons and husband love and respect me tremendously! I really love being a stay at home wife and mother.
And yes I have heard people say "I could never do what you do" they would like to but I always tell them "You have to try it first to see if you can" "You will never know if you don't try"
There is nothing more rewarding than seeing my families faces of contentment (and mine) lolol
Just wanted to add my two cents worth. :) lol
Wow! What incredible stories and testimonies. Donna, your testimony was especially touching to me. Thank you for taking the time to write all that up. It blessed me tremendously!
As a woman in her mid 40's, I am probably one of your "older" readers. And I truly take my role as an older woman seriously.
I was raised in the 60's and 70's, the height of feminism. I was told from the time I was little that in order to be "something" in this world, I needed to go to college, have a degree, get a good job, and make lots of money. I did end up with a "glamourish" job. I was a secretary to a bank president, very privy to alot of important information. I hobnobbed with alot of my boss's clients---people with alot of money. And yet I was not happy. When I finally married and had a child, I was totally fulfilled. I had finally found the happiness I had been craving.
All too soon, however, I jumped on the bandwagon of church activity and was always out of my house, in an effort to do something considered "more important" than serving in my home. I ceased being content in my home in order to do something "really important." But you know what, I was miserable...very unhappy, depressed, and becoming very unwell physically. (I will not belabor this, as I have recently started a blog (www.joyfulmotherhood.blogspot.com) where I have shared this story. The bottom line is that when I ceased being content in my home, I lost my joy, my peace, and my health.
The Lord finally brought my heart back home, and I must say that I am supremely joyful and content. And my health is better than it has been in years. It IS a ministry to care for one's husband and children. Women have been lied to for so long about motherhood/homekeeping not being an important profession. And I believe with all my heart that God has put motherhood/homemaking on the hearts of women and that women by the thousands are stressed, depressed, and sick because they are trying to find fulfillment apart from what God has for them.
And as for "doing nothing", I would like to say (which I also posted on my blog), that is very far from the truth. Here are some things I have done recently: homeschool my children, planted a vegetable garden, kept a clean house, keep current on the laundry, prepare healthy meals, baked bread from scratch for our family and for different friends and neighbors, baked cookies for my husband to share with his co-workers, prepared meals for families in my church, invited several families into my home to share a meal and a time of fellowship, etc. Serving others, which a home-centered woman does, is what following the Lord Jesus Christ is all about. Remember, Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. We follow his example when we serve in our homes.
Truly, I know great joy, contentment, and peace now, something I did not experience when I was listening to all the voices telling me to do something "important."
I second your exclamation, Crystal! I never expected so many responses it has been an encouragement for me. Thanks to everyone for telling their stories.
Hi Allison!
I believe that feminism somewhere down the road took a wrong turn. Now, instead of protecting women on issues such as property ownership and equal pay, femism is seeking to redefine womanhood, in my opinion, as being NO different from manhood, and having interchangable roles with manhood. I believe feminism has been very successful in delivering the message that traditional feminine roles are inferior and undesirable.
When I was a teen growing up in the 80's, I secretly wanted to be a housewife and mother one day, but I was ashamed of it. It has taken many years of life experience for me to drop this attitude and to proudly embrace my God given roles in the home. I was a young working mother in the early 90's, missing my daughter's first steps and first words. She spent so much time with her daycare provider that she began to speak Spanish instead of English! That was what did it for me. I wanted to know my child and not miss another thing in her life. When I was working, my heart longed for my daughter every day.
Even before she was born, I would have liked to be able to stay at home and learn the art of making a beautiful home, learn how to cook, and make my husband feel appreciated at home. I was much too busy for those things, and it took a toll on our marriage.
I am happy to say that now I am a home schooling mother of four, and busier than I've ever been! Even if I did not home school, I would be home for my kids, waiting for them to come home from school with a hot plate of cookies, talking about their day, preparing nutritious meals for my hard working husband, etc. I do these things with great joy, and finally feel, without a doubt in my mind, that this is what I was created to do! I hope you will find the answers you are looking for, Allison!
Sincerely,
Julie Perry
I have been a stay at home mother for the past (nearly) 14 years. I have never been accused of basically doing nothing. :)
I think that today many people do not realize how many things of value and beauty are done at home.
If you homeschool then that takes up a ton of time and energy. If you don't, there is still a ton to do if you are industrious. Here is a list of stuff that I have done from home other than homeschooling:
Baked homemade bread and other baked goods (my husband is sometimes the "envy" of the men he works with because not too many women do such things)
House projects such as painting, sanding, gardening, canning, learning to make healthier foods, organizing, and so forth.
Personal interest things like reading, exercise, visiting with friends, hospitality, serving others with meals or help when in need.
Money making ventures such as starting and running my own businesses, writing (both for fun and profit), selling things on ebay, etc.
Learning things: I have learned so much over the years because of the time at home that I've had to read and study. I have tons more I want to learn, too. Almost all of it can be done either from home or because of my schedule because I am home.
Certainly the making of a home to be cozy, welcoming, warm, and well kept is not easy. It takes skill, thought, and hard work. I have far to go.
I have TONS more that I look forward to doing as a homemaker. Some of my current wishes include:
Writing books, learning to stencil and then using that skill around the home, improving our garden and therefore saving us money and increasing the healthfulness of our food, learning more about natural health and eventually becoming a doctor of naturopathy, then using these skills both to benefit my own family and teach my children but also to help others with their health needs.
I have so many ideas and projects I am looking forward to do, and none of these even mentions all the stuff I do and want to do with and for my children. (I left those out since the question was more about single women)
I am not of the mindset that young women need to always stay at home, but I think many people have no idea of all the useful, interesting things to do from home, so here I am.
Recently I was talking to my younger sister. She is in her late 20s and is single and has a career. She worked hard to get through college and earned two master's degrees. This is her first big career job and she is extremely busy with it and travels half of the month, etc. it is a real, big time career.
I was talking to her about our current very strained financial situation and how my husband and I had discussed the possibility of me needing to get a job, and how we decided to try to put more energy into some of my current home business and other enterprises instead. It was interesting to me that her comment was, "If you don't have to get a job, DON'T! It is so hard to have to be on a leash and do what your boss wants you to do and have to play games all the time and jockey for the right positions in the workplace." She went on to tell me many unglamorous aspects of her career and how disheartening it can be.
Interesting.
At home I'm the queen of my castle and have so many opportunities to bless and be blessed. I am sure that if I had to work outside the home there would be different opportunities also. I am not doubting that. I am just thankful that so far I can be at home, and I am trying to be as resourceful and industrious as I can be while I'm here. I love being home and feel rather spoiled to be able to do so. Almost no woman I know is able to do it. I am blessed.
Dear Allison,
I open my home to have you come visit me and see just how much 'nothing' goes on in our home that I keep for my husband and our 3 children and community. We get what we value and reap what we sow and I am blessed to have children who rise up and call me blessed and a husband who trusts me.
Just to give you an overview of some of what we do while 'doing nothing':
My children and I garden intensively raising a good number of our own organic veggies, we glean from the orchard and make applesauce, applebutter, apple pies, jellies and jams, we spin wool into yarn and hold classes where we teach youth in various co-op groups to spin roving into yarn on drop spindles along with knitting (both my daughters know how to crochet, knit, use the sewing machine, and do hand embroidery - currently they're 12 and 17), my daughters paint with acrylics and watercolor, we raise poultry for eggs and meat, we milk our own dairy goats and my older daughter makes cheese for me when I'm too busy with other household tasks and the milk's overflowing the two fridges, we have a lot of flowers from which my daughters make beautiful bouquets to grace our kitchen counter and dining room table. We read together and pray together. My daughters both play instruments (recorder, guitar, and keyboard.) My older daughter led praise and worship in a local church for about a year, and gets routinely invited to sing and play guitar for other groups.
Currently she's co-ordinating a retreat for women to learn how awesome a life in obediance to the Lord's command for women to be keepers at home:
http://www.aboverubies.org
Please come and visit us this summer!!
Carrie
in NE OK
carrieshepard@yahoo.com
I did not have the benefit of many who have written--I didn't grow up in a Christian home and my mother always worked. I guess that's why I decided as teen that when I had kids I wanted to be home with them. I always wanted to have my mom there and she wasn't. I was married at age 18 and had my first child at 19. Unfortunately, I felt that I had to go to work and my husband did too. When he was 4 mos. old, I went to work. Two and a half years later, I had another son and went back to work, but only 2 days a week. I was completely miserable!!! I was also exhausted and didn't have the energy for my kids when I was home. I finally convinced my husband to let me stay home. Soon after that, I had my 3rd child-a daughter. I have been home for 17 years now and have loved every minute of it!!
I became a Christian 13 years ago and began homeschooling the next year. My husband and I were very active at church and my husband was called into the ministry. He now pastors a church full time and I continue to homeschool. By the way, my 2 sons have graduated from our homeschool. I am teaching my daughter(14 yo) the importance of being a wife and mother and that is her greatest desire. She had her first "job" this year. She has been teaching piano lessons to 2 girls from church here at home. She hopes to continue that and also become more involved with childrens ministry.
It is VERY possible to be happy at home...and believe me there is ALWAYS plenty to do!
Lorrie
I hope you took Crystal up on her offer of her latest book, Allison! I got a sneak peek at it last week, and it's wonderful. I think it will THOROUGHLY answer your question about what daughters do at home all day! My goodness, what do these girls NOT do? : ) Their lives are more productive and meaningful than those of any other young women I know. They are constantly busy serving their mothers, fathers, and siblings. They are occupied in ministry in their churches and communities. They are developing talents and skills that will prepare them for being wives and mothers as well as developing skills that will allow them to make additional income from home. They are all contributing to the family "bottom line" financially by the help they provide. They are studying and educating themselves in various subjects, and many of them teach other people (through tutoring or teaching their siblings). The life of a daughter at home is a joyful one of service to others and to God.
I only wish I had taken the opportunity to do that myself instead of going away to college, incurring debt and a bitter attitude toward the world. When I got married, I was unprepared for homemaking because I had spent the past three years focusing on preparing for a career instead of preparing to be a wife and homemaker. I've now spent three years working full time outside of the home, and Lord willing, I will soon be a full time wife instead. I never have the time to do the things I need to do to run our household well, and I can't wait for the opportunity to "look well to the ways of my household." I can't imagine EVER running out of things to do in my home or ways to serve God and others from my home.
I've done less "real" stuff when I was working than when I stayed at home! Right now, I am happy at home, and dh is happy I'm home, and the kids are happy I'm home. If I went to work, it would only be as a last ditch effort to stave of starvation!
My days usually start at 3 am, when dh gets up for work. I often spend several hours reading and writing and doing computer stuff during that one quiet time available to me. My children wake on thier own around 6.30 am. They are still small, so we don't do formal schooling. However, walking, visiting the park, cleaning, washing clothes, washing dishes, reading to them, dancing, singing, eating meals, preparing meals, cleaning up meals, scrubbing grubby bodies, watching them "farm" our postage-stamp backyard, trying to overcome my black thumb and actually grow some veggies, and all the cuddling and hugging and kissing and caring that my family needs seems to take up a lot of time. When our VCR died a while back, I'd worry we'd run out of things to do. Hah! Now that we're getting a dvd player, I'm wondering when exactly we will have time to sit down and look at it. It may be relegated to exercise video use only. I also collect clothes for consignment, do a little ad selling for a homeschool magazine, and spend a lot of time refining my grocery list and budget with the goal of making my dh grin one day when I show him how much (how little!) I've spend.
Honestly, where do people get the idea that staying at home means "doing nothing"? It baffles me!
Allison,
I agree that your aunt must think very highly of you if she set you upon the path of these ideas. Your question really delves into some deep issues!
Primarily, you are asking us to examine how we view the home and our places in it. Is home a place we stop in for a few minutes while we prepare to go out and do something important in the "real world"? I remember feeling this way about my apartment when I stopped in it between jobs. After becoming a stay-at-home mom, I now look at my home as the place where almost everything that is important happens, and the things we do outside the home are less important.
Secondarily, the notion that fulfillment can only be found outside the home brings us to question the influence of feminism in modern culture. Is feminism about women having choices? I feel that today feminist philosophy seems to be telling women that they can only realize their full potential when they have what men have.
We all have our own personal philosophies based on our individual journeys. Since becoming a Christian, I have come to believe that the God who created me, my husband and our children is far wiser than I will ever be and I trust his judgement on all matters.
I believe that I can rear and educate my children better than the day care centers and the public schools can. I believe that even if I had no children, I could find satisfaction in keeping a home and caring for people.
I must say that I enjoyed the jobs I held outside the home, but I don't miss them now. I seem to remember an awful lot of clockwatching in those days. These days, I start lessons right after breakfast and I can't believe it when it's time to make dinner already!
Allison, the Lord gives wisdom freely to all who ask for it, and I know He will bless you if you seek His word. Read your Bible and pray. I believe that the Lord has a special journey in mind for you.
Jennifer
From my inbox, posted with permission:
Hi Crystal
I am reading the comments about the SAHM question. I am, right now, a SAHM. I wasn't for most of my mothering years. I was not raised in a Christian home - quite opposite. I had no one to teach me. The learning came slowly, but God was faithful. I came home almost five years ago to be with our children when we were married (we are a blended family with four children at home at the time of our marriage). My daughters, who are still at home, are now ages 14 and 17. I missed so much being away from them. We are now training them to be keepers at home. They are being homeschooled and are learning the arts of homemaking and helpmeeting. God has worked miracles in these young ladies who aspire to these tasks. I am so grateful for His mercy and grace in all of my failures.
The one thing that I want to share that I don't see in these comments is my mindset. First it started with homeschooling. I am ashamed to say that I said "I can't stay home with my kids all day - they'll drive me nuts!" They did drive me nuts for the first year (I did stay home for two years before I came home for good). We were having to get to know each other all over again. I only knew them for an hour or so each night and on the weekends (when they weren't at a babysitters). We had to reestablish our home. Me Mom, you daughter. We had to establish our home and relationships. To me, at that time, they were in my way. I was working really hard to establish MY life. I wanted to have MY time and MY fun and they were along for the ride. MY career was very important and they had to fit into that. They had to fit into whatever I felt like doing with MY life. I am ashamed and heartbroken that I was so selfish and I am now living with the consequence of missed and wasted time. God showed me that it was not too late. He has (so far as I can see right now) restored to me the years that the locusts have eaten.
How can we effectively train our children when we are not home? Can we expect nights and a few hours on weekends to be enough for them (we need the other hours to catch up on our housework and chores and groceries and...)? What do they do when we are not around? Who is training them then? Where will their allegience be? To God or to those they are spending their time with? How can we expect our children to walk in God's way, to give our lives to it, when we are not? It is hard, selfless work to give up your life for the purpose of training your children and for being helpmeet, which I strongly believe is God's will. The multiplication factor of raising children far outweighs the few that you will "reach" while out in the workforce. Are we multiplying for Godliness and contentment or for selfish ambition and conceit? What is the fruit of our hands?
The feminists say that we are mousy doormats. I would like to hear that from them after one week of dying to self continually for their husband and children. It is so much harder to do the right thing and to prefer someone else than to demand your "rights." I have done both and know first hand.
Praise God for His grace and mercy in our lives and for giving my family beauty for ashes. May I always walk worthy of Him unto all pleasing.
One more thing - the feminists are blind and the wisdom of God is foolishness to them. God may someday open their eyes (as He did mine) and they will need a source of godly teaching and wisdom in how to love their husbands and their children. How we love them now will affect if we are given the opportunity later.
Thanks, Crystal, for listening (reading :-) ) and giving me your time and attention. I do pray for you in your endeavor of Biblical Womanhood. I do pray that "the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened, that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of His glory, in the inheritance of the saints." Eph. 1:17-18.
In the hands of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and proclaiming the praises of Him who called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light, T.
Well, I wanted to add my "two cents" to what everyone above has already shared so well. Better late than never!:)
Allison, as a 22-year-old daughter who is privileged to be serving her family at home, I can testify that this position doesn't involve "doing nothing"--it is a blessing to have the time and flexibility to be available to help your family and prepare for the future, continuing to learn and develop your skills and interests.
I agree with you about the contentment and joy that the girls on the "Victory for Daughters" CD show. It's refreshing to hear testimonies like that! I think the key to contentment at home, as in any other area, is definitely to keep your eyes on Christ and not worry about what the world or other well-meaning Christians think you ought to do. I am blessed to have a father and mother who encourage me in this!
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